The Pyro of Notre Dame
by Mullet-Revolution
Summary: Dilandau has spent his whole life in the tower of Notre Dame, oppressed by his master, dreaming of bringing the Apocalypse to Asturia. Will his dream come true? Will Allen survive? What is with Hitomi? Find out! *Ch. 7 up*
1. A Dark and Stormy Arrival

If you thought we wouldn't do it, of course we would. You silly goose, how can you keep us away from writing more fanfictions? Numair and I walked into my room when suddenly Numair said, "The Pyro of Notre Dame", looking at my movie shelf. Given our imagination, cynical and twisted as it is, you get to see the final product, lucky you. 

Disclaimer: We do not own Escaflowne or the "Hunchback of Notre Dame." Escaflowne was created by Hajime Yadate and Shoji Kawamori, with of course Sunrise. The original story "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" was written by Sir Victor Hugo, and the movie is all Disney baby. 

~Characters~

Quasimodo = Dilandau Albatou

Victor = Migel

Hugo = Chesta

Laverne = a rock with a happy face on it

Claude Frollo = Van Fanel

Esmeralda = Hitomi Kanzaki

Jolly the Goat = Merle 

Phoebus = Allen

Clopin = Folken Fanel

Puppet = Chid zar Fried

Quasimodos' Parents = Jajuka (Father) and Zongi (Mother)

The Pyro of Notre Dame 

High above the clouds a helicopter zooms rapidly towards the famous cathedral Notre Dame and is immediately arrested for flying in the "NO FLY ZONE". The attention is then taken down to the city where poor peasants roll around in the dirt, having nothing else to entertain themselves in their meaningless existence.

A sudden deep voice is heard wafting through the streets, singing…

_Morning in Asturia, the city awakes_

_To the cackle of Notre Dame_

_The mall rats all shop,_

The drunkard drinks more 

_To the cackle of Notre Dame!_

"Come here my children, Uncle Folken will tell you a tell. Do you hear the beautiful cackle of the bells? As you know they don't ring by themselves," Folken said smiling down upon his helpless prey.

"They don't!?" Chid asked popping up out of no-where.

"No you silly boy!"

SLAP.

"Up there hidden away from all the stupid massed huddle of people there lives a demon boy. Who is this demon?"

"Who?"

"What kind of demon is he?"

"What?"

"How did he…" Folken started then looked down at Chid.

"How!?"

"SHUT UP!" 

BAM.

"Uncle Folken will tell you!" cackled Folken extending his mechanical arm and pointing a clawed finger towards the children to lure them closer.

(sing) During the middle of the day was then the story starts 

_In the sewers somewhat close to Notre Dame……_

Through the sewer a small boat slowly slips through the water at record speed, thanks to the power of motors. A couple sits huddled together, trying to protect their child from the bitter wind. 

"What wind? It's the sewer."

Shut up. Zongi, the official drag queen throughout all the parody fics, tries desperately to quiet the child. Moleman demands more money for safe passage into Asturia, or else they can navigate the sewers on their own.

_"Okay," Jajuka said helping his beloved (cough cough) and child out of the boat._

_However, a trap had been laid for their arrival! Men bearing swords that glistened from the blood of their last kill ten minutes ago quickly surrounded them._

_"Darling, I think those dead bodies back there were a hint," whispered Zongi clutching the child ever closer._

_Lighting flashes as a black shadow stretched across the screen. Zongi wets itself and clutched the child ever closer, perhaps causing serious brain damage, and Jajuka barks. _

_ The darkness suddenly lifts and they stand in the snow in the streets of the city!_

_"How'd that happen?" the dog man wondered._

_Creative license. And from the shadows of the dark ally, a frightening (yet devilishly handsome) figure on a kick-ass black stallion sauntered into the light. Dressed in a pure evil black robe and cloak, the dark-haired young man stared down upon his captives! It was the horrible, winged, dread Judge Van de Fanel!!!!! (Dun dun dun!!!!)._

_Zongi in mortal fear for its offspring ran in hopes that Van would not capture it, conveniently forgetting Van can FLY, and its husband._

_ "Hey wait Zongi, don't run away, it's CERTAIN DEATH!!" screamed Jajuka in anguish as the guards arrested him and shoved him into a box for later fanfiction use._

_ Skirts whipping wildly in the wind, catching on fences that Zongi bolted over, it ran towards Notre Dame to claim "Sanctuary" from the evil, yet wonderfully handsome, Judge Van de Fanel. Running up the flight of stairs, Zongi pounded upon the door asking for someone to please save it. As mentioned before, Van has WINGS and quickly caught up to our distressed doppelganger._

_ "What do you have in there, doppelganger? Likely MAKE UP PRODUCTS! Not on my hour, uh…. Doppy!" Van concluded flying over and grabbing the bundle._

_ "No! I will never give it up!" the dramatically overacting Zongi cried not letting go of the bundle, and thus ever so brilliantly slipping on a patch of ice, cracking its head open._

_ "Oops," said Van then shrugged checking out his latest steal, "Cover Girl? **GASP**__ A MONSTER!"_

How convenient, we've got a dog man, a doppelganger, a moleman, and a ryuu-jin, and Dilandau's the monster! Is life fair?

_ NO! Van, after throwing up profusely, moonwalked over to the well to deposit the demon._

_"STOP!"_

_ Van turned around more than slightly annoyed to find Dryden, in priest garb, waving his arms dramatically. He looked down upon Zongi, shook his head, and walked past._

_ "Look at what you've done! Clean it up!" snapped Dryden as he produced a mop out of thin air._

_ "I did not! It slipped."_

_ "What have you got there, make-up?" Dryden inquired smiling, totally forgetting the dead doppelganger on the steps._

_ "Unfortunately, no. An unholy demon from HELL!!" screamed Van pointing his index finger towards the sky._

_ "Wouldn't dropping it in the well contaminate the water?"_

_ Shh. _

_ "You can't do that, it is just an innocent baby! (Has not had the chance to turn into an unholy demon from hell yet)," commented the heavenly Dryden, his eyes sparkling from an unknown light source._

_"Then why give it the chance!!!" cried Van, waving his arms, forgetting he was still holding a baby, who probably just lost a few more brain cells._

_"Because the Eyes of Notre Dame are watching YOU!"_

_With that, Van turn to find the stone dragons heads glaring down upon him, the blood of the vanished doppelganger dripping from their fangs. For the first time in his life, Van was a more than perturbed, I mean, WHERE had those dragonheads come from?_

_"Argh. What now?" Van asked edging ever closer to the well._

_"Care for the child, raise it as your own," smiled Dryden peacefully._

_"No, you raise, it slipped on YOUR steps!" grumbled Van throwing the child at Dryden._

_ "Where? There is no room?"_

_"The bathroom for all I care!!" _

_"That is currently occupied by your last victims child," sighed Dryden wondering how many more victims Van would get living in his church._

_ "Damn it. Ummm… how about the bell tower?"_

_ Dryden pondered for a few minutes. Thus far the bathroom, the confession booths, the cloisters, half the aisles were full of victims children, half not expected to make it past the opening credits. Could he really allow Van to get away with this?_

_ "So I'll leave the rest to you," Van said walking back out into the snow where his horse suddenly had appeared._

_"HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!!!"_

"Thus Van gave the child a cruel name….. DILANDAU," Folken concluded coldly noticing half the children were too petrified to move.

"What does it mean?" Chid cried popping up once more.

"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW!?"

SMACK.

The camera then slowly backs away from the scary situation and gazes up to the tower. A pillar of flames is suddenly seen bursting from the highest point in the tower, forming the letters:

THE PYRO OF NOTRE DAME

Well, what did you think? We re-watched the movie and have all the ideas thought out, so the next chapter will come out shortly. Please R&R!


	2. Forbidden Festival

Yes, the psycho saga continues, you luck people. We warm you that with Dilandau actually talking that the PG-13 warning stands for language (that little potty mouth). 

Disclaimer: We do not own Escaflowne or the "Hunchback of Notre Dame." Escaflowne was created by Hajime Yadate and Shoji Kawamori, with of course Sunrise. The original story "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" was written by Sir Victor Hugo, and the movie, in all its wonderful entirety, is all Disney baby.

~Characters~

Quasimodo = Dilandau Albatou

Victor = Migel

Hugo = Chesta

Laverne = a rock with a happy face on it

Claude Frollo = Van Fanel

Esmeralda = Hitomi Kanzaki

Jolly the Goat = Merle 

Phoebus = Allen

Clopin = Folken Fanel

Puppet = Chid zar Fried

The Pyro of Notre Dame Ch.2 --- Forbidden Festival 

All the bells in the tower rang proudly to bring in another day. Each shone brilliantly reflecting the owners pride and lack of care towards them. Music poured forth in a harmony of sound, with a cackle faintly sounding with the rhythm of the ringers joy.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" 

THUD

THUD  
THUD

BANCK!!

The fall had not been a pleasant one, and there were just so many beams and bells to fall upon…

"Ow! What the fuck was that!? I'll burn you all later!" Dilandau screeched, shaking his fist above his head. He sighed and hobbled, due to the height of his fall, out towards the balcony to greet the new day.

Once outside he found his stone Dragon Slayers perched in wait for their master. A little bird chirped welcome to Dilandau, its parents having made its nest in Chesta's hair.

"Hello you little fuck. Are you ready to fly today?"

The bird's eyes grew misty and chirped a heartfelt no. It looked longingly towards the other birds that flew by with rapid speed, them being smart enough to stay away from the tower. Sighing, Dilandau picked up the bird that chirped happily from the attention.

"What do you mean 'NO'? FLY DAMN YOU!" 

With that he cast the bird over the balcony. The bird shrieked as it plummeted towards the sky. It didn't get far, however, as it was suddenly engulfed in flames from Dilandau's toy flamethrower.

"See you in hell." Dilandau said, turning and waving his uncaring hand.

"Excellent shot, Dilandau-sama." Migel gushed, awakening from his stone slumber.

"Shut up!"

SMACK!

"Dilandau-sama, what is happening down there?" Chesta asked smiling while pulling feathers out of his hair.

"Carnage, Apocalypse?!" yelled Dilandau in delight as he ran to the balcony to lean over and look. 

"No, it appears to be the annual festival you despise so much," commented Migel, looking over the ledge himself.

"Damn, you got me all excited for nothing," Dilandau growled smacking his Dragon Slayers once more. 

"Don't you want to go? I mean, leave this place for the first time in your life?" asked Chesta, putting his hand upon Dilandau's shoulder.

"You incompetent idiot, fuck off," Dilandau snarled, striking Chesta with his fists.

Heaving a heavy sigh, Dilandau walked inside towards his table with the model he spent his captivity building. Groaning, he slumped down and smacked his head against the table. On the table lay a rock with a happy face on it, smiling down upon its master with un-judging eyes.

Dilandau looked up suddenly, "What's that rocky? I should murder them all? The Dragon Slayers are turning on me? Your right!" he cried standing, "I'll BURN THEM ALL!!!"

He turned and started stalking towards the balcony where his Dragon Slayers stood unsuspectingly. From the shadows a pair of eyes appeared, as if by magic.

"Good morning Dilandau."

"AH! RAPIST!" screamed Dilandau, clutching his chest and falling down. He looked up and growled at the sight of his master, "Oh, its only you, Van."

"Whom are you talking to?" questioned Judge Van, his eyebrows rose in question with slight fear written across his features.

"My rock, my one salvation. IT will help me bring absolute destruction to this city, however firstly YOU!"

"Right…" Judge Van, having not aged a day in the past fifteen years (still devilishly handsome, as always), said pulling out a basket from behind him, "… lunch…"

"Oooh!" Dilandau squealed rubbing his hands together and running to his table to set up the dishes for himself.

"What about my dishes?" asked Judge Van, sitting down across the table from Dilandau.

"I'm letting you live, that is enough," Dilandau said stuffing a load of bread into his mouth. His eyes narrowing, he grumbled to himself that Judge Van only fed him once a day.

"Sure. Shall we review your alphabet?" 

"No, don't want to."

"Too bad, 'A'," sighed Van grabbing the vocabulary list from Sesame Street.

"Apocalypse."

"'B'."

"BURN."

"'C'.."

"Carrion."

Van growing slightly scared continued, "'D'."

"DEATH!!"

"… 'E'…" Judge Van said slowly against his better judgment.

"Eradication."

"Good, a big word. 'F'."

"FIRE!!!!!!!!" Dilandau screamed pounding his fists against the table while jumping up and down.

"YOU WANT TO GO TO THE FESTIVAL, DON'T YOU!?!" Van cried accusingly.

"Huh?"

"I forbid you to go!"

"Well, then now I want to," Dilandau replied simply, grabbing his sword from his belt and licking it.

"Oh Dilandau, you don't know what the world is like out there, I do," said Van, and thus breaking out into another song.

"The World is cruel…" 

"Really!?"

_"The world is wicked…."_

"Why didn't you say that earlier, I would have wanted to go out sooner!"

"It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole city, I am your only friend…" 

"LIKE HELL!"

"_You are deformed…"_

"I am devilishly charming!"

"And you are ugly…" 

"And YOU are ugly!" Dilandau screamed, his eyes growing into slits.

"No one can understand you, you fucking freak!" 

"Say that one more time I will rip off your wings, ryuu-jin."

"You do not comprehend…" 

"What?"

_"JUST STAY IN THE PLACE!"_ finished Judge Van, flames leaping from his eyes and setting the surrounding ablaze.

"Cool! Teach me how to do that!" Dilandau said, praising Van's newfound ability.

"Remember Dilandau, this is the only place you can call 'Sanctuary', any other place I WILL KILL YOU!" finished Judge Van, turning and leaving. 

"Burn in hell Van!" cried Dilandau, flipping Judge Van off as he walked out of the room.

"Yeah yeah, fuck you too Dilandau," sighed Judge Van leaving the room.

"My Sanctuary? Why the hell would I need that?" pondered our little demon boy. He sighed, and then uncharacteristically burst into song…

_Enslaved within these windows and parapets of steel,_

_Fire-balling people down below me._

_All my life I sit here, happy to be alone,_

_Hungry for the coming Apocalypse!_

_All my life I plot their demise,_

_Killing them, and they will never know me!_

_All my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day_

_Not above them,_

But BURNING THEM…! 

With that Dilandau suddenly clambered up the bells like a lizard, leaping with the agility of a psychotic demon.

_Out there among the carrion, the carcasses and BLOOD_

_Through the smoke and blazes I can see them_

_Ev'ry day they stupidly ignore the threat to their lives_

_Heedless of the power of flames!_

Leaping from the roof, he began to surf down the waterway, causing water to spew over the sides.

_If I was, burning their skin,_

I'd treasure Every inst-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! 

However, going at high speeds down the waterway, he was thrown off the roof and flew over the city, disappearing into the streets below.

Elsewhere, a new threat had emerged in the city.

Strutting about stupid fashion, the dumb-shit…

"Hey! You biased bastards! Can't I get a little credit here!?"

No, shut your mouth Allen! The Knight of Asturia strolled through the city, licking his lips at the thought of new prey. Turning the corner he spotted a man playing music while a lady shouted out predictions of doom to those passing, while a little cat girl stole peoples wallets while they were distracted. 

Smiling, Allen reached into his pocket and pulled out a gold piece, dropping it in front of Hitomi, our beautiful psychic.

"Thank you sir, I predict much blood and death in your future," smiled Hitomi, clapping her hands together with an expression of delight etching across her features.

"Uh, thanks for the bright news," pondered Allen, slowly backing away from the psychic.

"LOOK! Psychics! Get them!" 

Allen turned around to find Zongi and Jajuka (as their new role as guards) running towards them. Turning around, Allen found that they had vanished, swiping his wallet in the process.

"HEY!"

"Excuse me, you must be the captain," interjected Zongi in its happy-to-be-male role.

"How did you know!?" yelped Allen, his eyes growing as big as saucers.

Jajuka unrolled a parchment and read, "Tall, blond, girlie-looking." He folded the parchment and looked Allen over. "You match."

"Curse that Van Fanel!" Allen hissed under his breath, following the guards.

The shine of gold caught his eye, and he stooped to pick up a few gold coins, somehow unnoticed by anyone else. Walking along, he dropped the coins into the hat of an old beggar man, offering a single rose in exchange for shelter from the bitter cold.

But that's a different story all together.

Once the guards were gone, the cloak was pulled back to reveal Hitomi and Merle. Merle smoked a pipe, and found it strangely soothing.

PUFF PUFF

In the distance, lightning cracked as they made their way towards the domain of the dreaded Judge Van de Fanel!!!!

Dun Dun Dun!!!!

Interesting…. What do you think? Please R&R (be a good person, you know you want to). Reviews = makes us happy = we write more. :D


	3. All Hell Breaks Loose

Well, we are back, yet again…! Numair went out of town for the weekend, sadness. However, in our pitiful non-togetherness state (a horrible two days) we came up with ideas. We had entirely TOO much fun writing this, I mean, we drank a glass of chocolate milk and a bag of M&M's. -_-; PG-13 for language and other evil things. 

Disclaimer: Blah.

~Characters (in case you are stupid, or in our case, short memory)~

Quasimodo = Dilandau Albatou

Victor = Migel

Hugo = Chesta

Laverne = a rock with a happy face on it

Claude Frollo = Van Fanel

Esmeralda = Hitomi Kanzaki

Jolly the Goat = Merle 

Phoebus = Allen

Clopin = Folken Fanel

Puppet = Chid zar Fried

Meanwhile, our dumb girly looking hero…

"KNOCK IT OFF!"

Shut up Allen. The Knight of Asturia entered the sexy Judge Van de Fanel's abode in a feeling of danger creeping into his bones. As he walked through the halls he heard the sound of whipping and a plea of forgiveness echoing off the walls.

He entered the random dungeon to find Van admonishing a scantily dressed dominatrix Millerna, her black leather spandex, clinging to her body like Allen on women. Overall, she looked like she had just stepped out a _Shadow Lady_ manga. Her whip, bloodied with her victims lifeblood, shining in the torchlight.

"Ease up," Van stated, "Wait between lashes, there's no need to be so kinky."

"Aww, but Vaaaaaaan…" she began with disappointment.

"Fine, we'll let them be the judge. Hey," he called over to the shackled prisoners, "do you want her to continue?"

"Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah…!" they cried in ecstasy.

Van shrugged. "Okay, have fun."

Millerna snapped her whip and swung a few chains over her shoulder as a dark, twisted grin spread across her face. She marched back to the prisoners, blocking the camera's view.

"Ah, Captain Assho—I mean Allen, home from his exile. Heard 'bout what you did to Duke Fried's wife, heh heh." Van taunted happily.

"Oh, I heard about that!" exclaimed an old man who had probably been locked up for the past forty years.

Allen rolled his eyes. "Allen Schezar reporting for duty sir."

"'Sir', damn straight!" Van said, leading the way out of the dungeon. "I hope you are better than our last captain of the guard, he was a bit of a disappointment to me."

CRACK

"YEEEHAW!!!!!!!!"

"You like that, bitch!!?" Millerna's voice echoed as they stepped into daylight.

"Look at the city, what do you see, in the non-perverted sense," Van questioned as they suddenly appeared at the top of the building.

"A bunch of peasants rolling around in the dirt in their meaningless existence?" replied Allen looking down at the streets.

"SIR!" corrected Van.

"Uh… Sir."

"No, past that, third alley to the left," sighed Van, thinking that Allen was as hopeless as he looked.

"A gang beating and raping some helpless woman?"

"Who cares about that? To your left, not right! Honestly, I'm surprised you know how to breathe," grumbled the Judge flicking his hair out of his eyes. 

"Some girl telling fortunes."

"Exactly! The horror of it all, _in this city_! Psychics are bad!" exclaimed Van pointing his heavenly finger towards the sky.

"Sir?"

"People always worrying about the future, never concerned with what is happening to them now. That dirt they are rolling in, no thought what so ever. For the past twenty years I have devoted myself to combing out the psychics of this city."

"Sir, you are only fifteen."

Van stopped dead in his tracks and stared at Allen as though he was another life form. His eyes began to glow a fiery red as his background turned into one of fire. "How DARE you! Are you trying to provoke me?!" he yelled, his voice breaking. 

Allen stared, completely perturbed. "Umm, no Sir…."

"Good," Van smiled, perfectly 'calm' once more, "Like I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted," he said shooting Allen a nasty look, "One by one I destroy them, however they thrive. I believe that they have a place where they gather, a safe haven. They call it the 'Court of Psychics', feh, how creative."

"So, what do you plan on us doing about it?"

"Us? And where is that 'Sir'?"

"What am _I_ going to do about it, _Sir_?"

A demonic smile crossed Van's features as he ripped out a stone from the wall and began smashing everything in sight. After demolishing the entire balcony, he stopped and caught his breath. "Clear?"

"Crystal, Sir."

"No, not one of your whores, is it clear!?"

"Yes, Sir." Allen sighed, thinking Van had spent waaaaay too much time with Dilandau lately. Allen didn't want to take his chances.

"Duty calls, the stupid festival is today."

"Sir?"

"Have you ever been to one of these festivals? It is crawling with psychos, especially, gag, psychics. I am forced to attend," Van sighed, leading the way to the stairs, "Thus, I am forcing you to as well."

"Lucky me."

"SIR!"

"… Sir."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Meanwhile, in another part of the dirt hole, also known as the city, people quickly made their way towards the festival. The people found entertainment in this wonderful festival, founded by some guy named 'Isaac Newton'… or something close to that. 

"Aaaahfuck…that hurt!" grumbled our demonic hero as he peeled himself of the street. He wouldn't have found it so annoying had the whole country hadn't decided to wear high heels and walk all over him. Looking up, he found himself in the middle of the square, people surrounding him and bursting into song. Dilandau screamed in bloody horror, but was drowned out by the music that came from nowhere.

A large procession was slowly making its way towards him, singing solemnly,

_Hey, y'all, get over 'ere!_

_Leave your hopes and filthy dreams_

_Coop the fleas and pen the whores_

_Hey, y'all, get over 'ere!_

_Close the churches and the schools,_

_It's the day for eating stool!_

_Come over to the festival oooof….._

"UNMEI KAIHEN!!!!!" cried Folken, leaping from behind the procession and throwing back his cape to reveal a brightly colored motley uniform, covered with bells and shiny objects. Chid jumped out from nowhere beside him, dressed in similar fashion.

Dingle dingle.

"Isn't that your brother, sir?" Allen questioned Van, secretly smiling to himself.

"Gods no! I'm an only child!" Van mumbled, hiding his face in his hands.

Folken began to leap about in an energetic fashion, twirling around poles and glomping various people while singing.

_Once a year we alter fate here in town!_

_Once a year we turn reality upsidown!_

_Every man's a woman an every woman man!_

_Once again, It's Unmei Kaihen Dayyy!!!!_

Dilandau sat there, mouth agape. "Strategos…?" he whimpered, suddenly VERY perturbed. Folken playfully winked at him and continued his prance fest, Chid desperately trying to keep up. Dilandau wisely scurried off before he was pulled into this nightmare of fluff.

Hey y'all, get here! Hayaku, hayaku, isoide! See the myst'ry and romance! 

Folken then preceded to nudged Van in the ribs, who screamed in rage and knocked the very OOC Folken away from him.

See the Mystic girl from the Mystic Moon 

_Make a bloody prediction to horrify!_

_Predict la Hitomi…._

PREDICT! 

Folken threw down a smoke bomb and vanished, (much to relief of Van) leaving in his place, Hitomi Kanzaki with her tarot cards.

"Hmm…let's see…I foresee much…BLOOD, DEATH, DESTRUCTION for this city," she paused, turning another card, "and FIRE!"

An albino teenager's fist shot up from the crowd. "YEAH!!!!"

Hitomi, looking up and seeing Van, sprinted over and threw her arms around him, slipping the ace of serpents card in his jeans. They then proceeded to make out, much to the disturbance of Allen, Dilandau, and just about everybody else. Except for Merle who was too stoned notice anything out of sorts.

PUFF PUFF

Folken , appearing once again, Chid clinging to his mechanical arm, cleared his throat and continued.

_Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for,_

_Here it is, you know exactly what's in store!_

Now's the time we crown The Bishounen! 

"You all remember last years Bishounen!" Folken called gesturing over to a seated Lantis, mercilessly surrounded by screaming otaku.

So make a face that's beautiful and swoonworthy 

_Strike a pose as gruesome as Chesta's hair!_

"Hey!" they heard a voice scream from the tower. Dilandau pointed and laughed.

For the face most beauteous will be The Bishounen!!!! 

_Why??_

Dilandau screamed and burst from the crowd as they shouted back with Folken, "_Unmei Kaihen_!"

Pretty-boys, forget your gayness! 

_Unmei Kaihen!_

_You'll soon be put on display-ness!_

_Put your sexy features on display,_

Bishounen of Unmei Kaihen Day! 

Dilandau paused by the stage to catch his breath. His arm was suddenly grabbed and he was hefted onto the stage by Hitomi, who had ended her kissing fest with Van (making up for lack there of in the series!!!) 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" screamed our little demon boy, his face contorting into anger as he was stood at the end of a line of other young men.

Hitomi ran to the first contestant and pulled away his paper bag to reveal Orphen! The crowd swooned. However, it wasn't good enough so Merle kicked him off the stage. Hitomi moved to the next and yanked away his smiling mask to reveal Chichiri! The crowd swooned; still not enough, so Merle booted him off as well.

"Daaaaaa!!!" screamed the indigenous monk.

Hitomi ran to the third as he reverted from his generator form back to Gawl! Still not enough. BOOT! Our psychic ran to the next contestant, who was Zongi.

"EEEW! UGLY!" cried Hitomi, upper-cutting him off the stage. They flew through the next contestants, Kamui, Chiaki, Tooya, and pushed them off the stage. The poor souls were dragged away by screaming otaku.

Hitomi finally reached Dilandau as he began to make a run for it, and pulled on his hair.

"AAAAH! BITCH!!!" screamed Dilandau smacking Hitomi across the face.

"It's no mask, it's his face!" screamed a random otaku.

"He's GORGEOUS!!!" squealed another.

"Damn straight." Stated Dilandau.

The joyous ground ran to the stage picking up Dilandau, cheering that they had obviously found the Bishounen of the Year. Dilandau looked down and smiled, perfect. He then proceeded to hack off people's head, making the otaku's only scream more while he laughed manically. 

Van sat at the other side of the square glowering, Hitomi never asked HIM to be the Bishounen! Dilandau passed and stuck out his tongue at Van, hacking off more people's heads. The crowd was oblivious to the flying blood.

Suddenly, the fangirls rushed forward unable to contain themselves and proceeded to glomp Dilandau. He was quickly pulled down to the ground as the girls all tried to get a piece of him. Dilandau screamed as a fangirl with sharp nails scratched his face, deeply, permanently scarring it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed the distressed hero. That was the last straw. "MY FACE!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" At that, he pulled out his flamethrower and proceeded to burn the crowd. "MOECHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Pretty much everyone (minus the main characters who were magically transported to another part of town) within a mile radius was burned to a crisp.

"AHHHHHHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!" laughed Dilandau, jumping up and down on people's bones while setting houses on fire.

Eventually, another cities fire squad appeared to tame the flames, much to the annoyance of our little pyro. 

"Damn, they always ruin all the fun,," grumbled Dilandau who let out another burst of fire, killing half the squad, before running back into his cathedral.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Heeheeheee. Poor Folken, that was fun. :D Unmei Kaihen, if you didn't know, means "Alter Fate", or at least Anne thinks with her Japanese slowly vanishing… -_- Anyway, please review, we'll give you a cookie (or just write the next chapter…). 

REAL Disclaimer: We do not own Escaflowne or the "Hunchback of Notre Dame." Hajime Yadate and Shoji Kawamori created Escaflowne, with of course Sunrise. The original story "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" was written by Sir Victor Hugo, and the movie, in all its wonderful entirety, is all Disney baby. (yeah, look at how crazy we are, like we could make anything that good…)


	4. Sanctuary!!! or is it...

Yay! The next chapter! Yayness! About the cookies, you sure you want them? Anne actually made some, course they are all lumpy and funny looking… erm… yes. Might make you vomit.. PG-13 warning stands for language, slight sexual references, enjoy the show! (Note: corrected the spelling/grammar mistakes (for the most part..)… proof reading = good)). 

Disclaimer: Escaflowne and Hunchback of Notre Dame = not ours. 

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Our beautiful girl from the Mystic Moon found herself trapped within the cathedral. Hitomi quickly ran to the door to find that guards were posted at every door.

"Huh? How and why am I in here?" asked Hitomi, her head cocked sideways in question.

Because we are lazy as hell and had to follow the plot. Merle pranced around Hitomi, tripping over her own feet.

PUFF PUFF

Hitomi began to sob to herself, and then sang to soothe her soul.

_I don't know if this is a dream,_

_Or maybe a vision…_

_I don't know if this is real_

_To a high school girl._

_Yes I know I'm just a psychic_

_I shouldn't scry to you_

_Still I see you're face and wonder_

_Were you once an outcast too?_

"SHUT UP!!!!!"

Hitomi spun around, her short hair blowing in the nonexistent wind as her emerald eyes opened wide in surprise and question. She spotted the albino boy whom she had pulled upon the stage and smiled to him, her heart beating slightly faster.

"What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you." 

"I said. S.H.U.T. U.P.!"

She stared at him, wide eyed.

"Stupid bitch! It _is_ a church after all!" he whirled and marched back up the stairs, slamming the door to emphasize his point.

"How…considerate…" she gushed, her eyes with huge stars appearing in them. [A/N: Wha?] She quickly chased after him in hopes of talking, perhaps exchanging business cards in the process.

"Hey, what are you doing all alone in a big, dark, scary place like this?"

She whirled around, anger coursing through her veins ready to tell the intruder to fuck off, when suddenly…

"Amano-senpai!?" exclaimed Hitomi, quickly running over and wrapping her arms around him.

"Huh?" Allen gulped looking down upon the girl who was squeezing him, feeling his face going blue. "Uh, no, sorry."

Hitomi's face fell in disappointment, she hadn't returned to Earth and escaped this horrible fic. Looking up, she found him strangely handsome with the Amano-senpai looks reflecting lovingly back towards her.

"I'm sorry. My name is Hitomi Kanzaki, pleased to meet your acquaintance."

Allen grinned, flipped his hair over his shoulder and bowed in a gentleman's fashion while planting a kiss on her hand. "My name is Allen, it means 'precious' in ancient Germanic. Or, in Gaelic form of _ailian_ meaning 'little rock'. And then there is…."

He paused noticing that Hitomi was giving him a strange look with her eyebrows raised. 

"Uh… sure. Hitomi means 'eyes'."

"Beautiful, much better than… well, maybe not," chuckled Allen, patting himself on the back.

Meanwhile, standing in the doorway stood, dun dun dun, the damn sexy Judge Van with his mouth open in terror. He had forgotten about the whole Amano-senpai fixation, and quickly decided to do something about it.

"Allen, couldn't there be some other girl that you be picking up?" Van hissed dangerously, shooting a nasty look to Hitomi as well.

"Oh no sir. I'm perfectly happy with this one right here." Allen smiled, wrapping his arm around her waist.

Van exploded, wings bursting forth in a spray of blood as fangs sprang forth and fire exploded around him. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" snarled Van, looking a little less human than usual.

"Oh Van, you're so cute when you're angry!" giggled Hitomi.

"Oh, you two are together?" Allen questioned conversationally.

"YES SHE"S WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!" roared Van, flame and blood spewing from his mouth, wings beating madly.

"Oh, well, we were just being friendly. Right, Hitomi-chan?" Allen purred, sniffing her hair and kissing the top of her head.

We can't even describe what Van looks like right now.

"Come, Captain _Precious_, we have much official business to attend to!" Van mumbled, wiping the blood and froth from his chin.

"We do sir? What is it?" Allen questioned innocently.

"Me kicking your ASS!!!" Van said, grabbing his ear and dragging him out the door.

"Bye bye Hitomi-chaaaaaaaaaaaan!" waved Allen as he disappeared out the door. Hitomi thought that Van's hand, reaching through the door and snagging Allen around the neck, looked rather funny all bent and clawed like that. Oh well.

Hitomi turned, swearing she had heard soft music, wafting through the cathedral. Pushing an old woman out of the way, Hitomi followed the sound up a long, spiraled stony staircase until she reached a large wooden, slightly charred, door. She pushed it open, stepping inside and stopped in horror!

Chesta and Dilandau were dancing perkily as Migel sang karaoke to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls. A rock sat smiling in the corner.

"Errm…Excuse me?" Hitomi said hesitantly. 

ZZIIIPP!!!!

The music cut off as the Dragonslayers turned horrified towards their master. Dilandau, a psychotic look of horror etched across his face, whirled upon his Dragonslayers.

"Which one of you incompetent numbskulls left the door unlocked!?!!" shrieked the demonic albino.

"You were the last one up, Dilandau-sama." Migel bowed apologetically.

SMACK!!!

The Dragonslayers proceeded to turn to stone to avoid their master's wrath. 

Merle looked down and suddenly noticed that the rock was suddenly right by her, smiling. It creeped her out. Inhaling deeply, the cat-girl quickly moved behind Hitomi, only to find the rock waiting for her, smiling.

"I think rocky likes you, kitty-cat…thing." Dilandau cackled. "What the hell are you doing up here!" he demanded, turning back to Hitomi.

"I was uh…ano…so, this is where you live?" Hitomi said, obviously changing the subject.

"Do I look stupid to you!?" growled Dilandau, pulling out his sword and swinging it towards Hitomi's neck. 

"Wait! I just predicted that you will have much blood and death in your future, and.. and… it seems to be caused by you!" yelped Hitomi quickly shutting her eyes to prepare herself for the blow of the sword. 

Dilandau paused and lowered his sword, "Really?"

"Do you want me to do a tarot reading, it can predict your past, present, and future," babbled Hitomi attempting to catch her breath.

"Why the hell not, I have nothing else to do," sighed Dilandau sitting down. Shrugging, Hitomi decided that had to be better than death. 

"Let's begin," she said sitting down across from him and pulling the tarot cards out.

Through the sewer a small boat slowly slips through the water at record speed, thanks to the power of motors. A couple sits huddled together, trying to protect their child from the bitter wind. 

"What wind? It's the sewer."

_Shut up. Zongi, the official drag queen throughout all the parody fics, tries desperately to quiet the child. Moleman demands more money for safe passage into Asturia, or else they can navigate the sewers on their own_ ….

"Shut up! We already know that!" growled Dilandau, flailing his arms around to move the mist that showed us, the viewers, the vision. Merle is meanwhile running away from a rock.

"Try once more." Hissed Dilandau.

Hitomi, heavily annoyed, finally said, "You bring the Apocalypse upon Asturia. Everyone dies. The End."

"Really!?" Dilandau cried, clapping, "I like you, you have spunk. I'll let you live…for now."

"Gee…thanks…" Hitomi looked around, when a sparkle of glass in the sun caught her eye. She got to her feet and hurried over to a table, cluttered with carved figures and colored glass. Was this a side of Dilandau others hadn't seen?

"What is this?" she asked gesturing to the table.

"The Apocalypse you predicted for me! I have been dreaming of it since my youth!"

Nevermind. On the table, wooden figures of half-rotted corpses dragged through the street amongst well-detailed little bones. The buildings were painted black and charred with glass fire and paper mache' bursting out from every nook and cranny. 

"Oh how…lovely…" Hitomi said flatly, wishing she never came up, "Did you make these all yourself?"

"Yep!" Dilandau declared proudly.

"Hey, what's this?" Hitomi inquired, lifting a small cloth against her better judgment.

"Oh no! They're not done! I still need to paint them!" Dilandau screamed reeling his hand back to bitch-slap her.

"Oh it's….Van and you're…skewering him…and you look so happy about it and he looks in quite a lot of pain…a lot of blood with his wings crumpled up and on fire…"

"They're nothing." Dilandau, blushing furiously, waved his hands dismissingly. Hitomi decided to pick a safer subject.

"So you live here all alone?"

Dilandau suddenly began to twitch convulsively. "No…." he began, starting to drool, "no, don't leave me alone…!"

Hitomi, deeply concerned, began edge away. Just then, he suddenly snapped out of it and smiled charmingly.

"Of course not! There's my dumbass Dragonslayers…my rock…Van…" he said flatly, "and of course the bells." He pointed up as the bells seem to chime of their own free will.

"Will you introduce me to them?" asked Hitomi smiling towards Dilandau.

"Are you stupid, they are inanimate objects," sighed Dilandau then shrugged, "Very well, follow me."

Hitomi followed closely, however keeping smart distance, Dilandau who lead the way up to the bells. All the bells stood in a line, not the usual cooper color but rather a filmy charred color. Dilandau quickly ran over to the smallest and turned back around to Hitomi.

"This ones 'Fire'."

"Eh…" squeaked Hitomi, "How lovely…"

"And that's 'BURN', all caps; and 'Burn, with a capital 'B'; and finally 'burn', all lower case. Triplets you know. And the one over there I lovingly call 'KILL VAN'. And this," he said pausing beside the largest, "Is Apocalypse!"

"Do you have some sort of fixation with the Apocalypse?" asked Hitomi walking up beside the largest bell.

"No… why do you ask?"

"…" 

Hitomi proceeded to smile and nod, hoping not to set the wrong impression with Dilandau. Merle stalked up, falling over in the process (obviously stoned) and walked inside and meowed that echoed throughout the tower.

"Ugggg," replied Merle.

"I've saved the best for last, come woman!" Dilandau called over his shoulder, bouncing happily, as he ran up a set of stairs, which a minute ago weren't there. Hitomi followed obediently to the top of the tower. She felt her breath catch in her throat as she stepped out onto the balcony. 

The sun was setting giving the city an orange glow, the sky seeming to melt into a mixture resembling a painters tablet. 

"Oh! It's so pretty! I could stay up here forever," gushed Hitomi, sitting down beside Dilandau.

"Like hell you will," grunted Dilandau, perched on the rail. "It reminds me so much of the Apocalypse at sunset, just imagine the city on fire, the screams of agony rising through the foul air, ahh, that is my dream."

"Uh, yeah."

"You know, my parents were psychics too," Dilandau said attempting to carry on a conversation for once in his life.

"Really? You don't look much like a psychic to me, more like a psycho."

"Yeah… HEY!" cried Dilandau, "That's it, time for you to go."

"But there are guards at all the doors, I feel so hopeless, can you help me?" asked Hitomi looking at Dilandau with puppy-dog eyes.

"Ahhhh…. Stop it!" growled Dilandau, "I'll help you get down the same way I got down this morning."

"Really?!"

A few minutes later we see Hitomi's body flying through the air from the top of the tower at Mach2. She landed on a couple of guards, killing them on impact.

"Well, that was fun! All's well that ends well, right Merle!" Hitomi said getting up and brushing herself off, stepping on the dead bodies as she started going home.

"Uuuuggggghhhh," replied Merle, obviously not agreeing with the trip.

Back in the tower, Dilandau watched, disappointed. "Damn, she didn't die…"

"Excuse me," said the obvious voice of a pansy, "I'm looking for Hitomi, have you seen her?"

"AH! No women! Get out!" shouted Dilandau, grabbing a torch off the wall.

"I'm a man!" cried Allen, offended.

"You sure as hell don't look it Girlie!"

"Wait, I've been searching for _you_ Dilandau…" Allen said, then paused as Dilandau screamed insults at him. "I have reason to believe you're my sister."

"AAAAAHHH!!!!" screamed Dilandau, waving the torch around, hoping to catch Allen on fire, forcing him into the stair well. 

"I guess not…well…about what happened today, how's your cheek?"

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**" shrieked Dilandau reaching out and snatching Allen by the neck, lifting him off the floor. 

"That….good…huh?" choked Allen, face turning different shades of blue.

Dilandau was foaming at the mouth by this point. 

"Just…looking…for…Hitomi….you're friend?…we….family…" gasped Allen, sounding a lot like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch, another Disney classic just open to parodism. 

"She is not my friend!" shouted Dilandau, throwing Allen down the stairs and listening with satisfaction as the knight tumbled down the stairs.

THUD

THUD

THUD

THUD

CRASH!

"Owies…" Allen's moan echoed up to the albino, who smiled smugly.

"Splendid show, Dilandau-sama!" Migel chimed.

"That girl never had a chance against you!" added Chesta.

" " said the rock.

"The nerve! Trying to steal your girl…!"

"MY GIRL!!!!??" whirled Dilandau, fire burning in his eyes.

"Err, maybe not."

And that was the end of that discussion. Dilandau sighed and flopped down beside his table of Apocalypse. He picked up a chunk of driftwood and proceeded to hack at it with his dagger. He paused, glancing at the rock.

"What's that rocky? Awww, I was unaware of your feelings. I'll spare the cat-thing from my Apocalyptic ending."

The Dragonslayers peeked over his shoulder and saw he was carving a little Hitomi figure. They smiled and nudged each other in the ribs, convinced their master had a crush on the mystic girl. Dilandau painted it with great care. He then got up and went to the table.

SNAP!

He placed the now snapped in two Hitomi amongst the fires in a pre-painted puddle of blood. "There," he smiled demonically.

The Dragonslayers sighed.

Meanwhile, thunder is heard in the distance, coming from, of course, Van's abode. 

DUN DUN DUN.

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,,, Wow, that was weird. Question is why Van let's Dilandau have all this weaponry… This was hard as hell to write, didn't have action in it. -_- Anne's brother is in town meaning that they'll be hanging out around Numair's house (hahaa). Hopefully the next one chapter will be better (perhaps get it made sometime next week). Be good and review, or else the Pyro will get you! (not really…. But hey). 


	5. Van Hurts Himself (Hells Fire baby)

**Notes**: "The air is full of spices…." ~**falls over giggling~** hehehe, Alan Rickman! Sean Connery, such cool voices (we can't do impressions of them). We were in a giggly mood when we did this, so warning to those in the audience…. PG-13 for language, slight sexual references, etc. 

**Disclaimer**: Think about this, if we owned any of these would we be _here_? Wouldn't we be in our grand houses sleeping on piles of money? We think you get the point (if you are dense, "Escaflowne" and "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" = not ours). Good puppy ~~puppy bites hand off~~ Owies.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Van strode to the window, his hands folded in his robes, seriously peeved about the whole flirting incident. Outward, he looked at peace with himself and his surroundings, inward, he was killing Allen. Looking across the city, he broke into song, but since his voice is Tomokazu Seki, it's okay!

Hey Hitomi 

_You know I am a righteous boy_

_For God's sake I am a fucking king!_

The voices of our all-too-familiar monks echoed through the halls

_(Escaflowne)_

_Hey Hitomi_

_You know I'm sooooo much cooler than_

_The girly, stupid, ugly, weak Allen!_

_(Escaflowne!)_

Van turned to find a blazing fire burning in a fireplace that wasn't there a minute before. Clearing his throat nervously, he continued.

Then tell me, Hitomi 

_Why the fuck are you flirting_

_With a pimp as pansy as Allen?_

_(Escaflowne!)_

Van's eyebrow twitched as he continued

I punch him, I kick him 

_The blood caught in his golden hair_

_Making me want to punch once again_

_(Escaflowne)_

With the music score going higher at the climax of the song, Van commenced to prance about the fire, waving his arms to emphasize his point.

Like fire 

_Hellfire_

_This fire in my blood_

_This burning_

_Desire_

_To kick your pansy ass_

Reaching his arms out and pouncing upon his invisible enemy and strangling it, Van roared:

Just let me at him! 

_(Escaflowne!)_

Van whirled around, eyes redder than usual.

Will you guys stop it!! 

_(Escaflowne!) _

_It's not the show_

_There is no need for that bloody chant_

_(Escaflowne!)_

_Will you SHUT UP!_

_(Escaflowne!)_

His shoulders sagging, Van hung his head down and commenced.

I give up 

_(Escaflowne!)_

_The point is to kill Allen_

_Fault for touching_

_(Escaflo~~~~~~wne~~~~~!)___

Van fall down to his knees, clutching himself about the shoulders shaking.

Protect me, Haha-ue 

_Don't let this pansy catch my girl_

_Don't let this pimp soil her pure soul_

_Destroy Schezar_

_And let him taste the fires of hell_

_Or else die by my hands and mine alone_

Gaddes, in guard gear, suddenly popped his head around the corner, concern etched across his features, "Minister Fanel, aren't you contradiction yourself?"

"What?!" snapped Van, staggering to his feet, glaring at Gaddes.

"I mean, either he goes to hell or you kill him. Does he have a choice here?" Gaddes inquired crossing his arms across his chest.

"Hell no, get our you idiot!" Van said dismissingly, then whirled upon the fire, an evil glint appearing in his eyes, "I'll kill him. I'll kill him even if I have to burn down all of Paris!"

"This is Austuria, sir," corrected Gaddes.

"SHUT UP!"

Hell fire 

_Dark fire_

_Now pansy, it's your turn_

_Choose death or_

_The fire_

_She's mine so you will DIE_

_(Escaflowne!)_

Van once more dropped down to his knees, head in his hands, drooling slightly.

_They're doing it again…..___

_(Escaflowne!)_

_C'mon, have mercy on me!_

_(Escaflowne!)___

He rose to his feet for the final verse, fire bursting forth and surrounding him in all his glory.

I give up but 

_Allen will DIE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!_

After the exercise of the song, Van passed out on the stone floor, beer cans were reported to be found in the morning.

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The next morning, Allen, in his dorky poofy sleeves, stood outside Van's abode, being warned on his life not to enter. Gaddes had reported to him that Van had been singing about him the night before, and it wasn't good. But Allen easily forgot that.

Van stumbled out the door, looking as though he was suffering from a maximus hangover, and not the least bit pleased. He gazed at Allen with one bloodshot eye, fangs suddenly appearing in his mouth.

"Good morning sir, did you sleep well?" Allen questioned cheerfully, beaming in the morning light.

Several guards had to restrain Van.

"So, what are your orders?"

"SIR!"

"Erm, sir."

"Aside from killing you, we must find Hitomi! She didn't come home last night." Again, the bloodshot eye focused accusingly on Allen.

"Wasn't me! I was at the brothel!"

"SIR!"

"Sir…"

"Find Hitomi!" Van declared loudly, pointing a sexy, but rather tired, finger to the sky.

"How will we find her sir? Asturia is pretty large you know. But not as large as--!" Allen started knowingly.

Van bitch-slapped him. 

"Oh, don't worry," Van smiled, amused, "I have a perfect weapon…" He gazed up at the tower, his smile turning into a devilishly sexy grin.

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"Oh Dilandauuuuuuuu….!" cat-called Van, poking his head around the corner of the one of tower walls.

"Uh oh…" Dilandau's head snapped up from his dog-bowl full of snails.

DUN DUN DUN!!!!

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hahaa, not much happened in this chapter, ah well. It was funny. We'll get the next chapter out soon, before Numair goes to camp.. O_o;****


	6. Burning Desire

Wow, it's been awhile since we actually updated this story.. miss us? (silence) Today we went to the library and rented the "Hunchback" CD, fear us. Hope you enjoy, lots of funky stuff is going to happen now that we have reached the something point in the movie. Only a few more chapters (both run away crying). 

PG-13 for language and certain situations, no offense is intended towards anyone.

Disclaimer: Escaflowne and The Hunchback of Notre Dame = not ours (sad, huh). 

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Our heros, not stupid Allen, hurried through the city in a mad search of our beautiful (but strangely 'out-there') Hitomi. Van thus hounded all the psychics he could find, demanding information on his emerald-eyed beloved, soulmate, together forever, yet never FRIGGIN' KISSING!!!!!

Van stood in satisfaction as his troops proceeded to tip a Honeybucket randomly placed in the suburbs, discovering at least twenty hiding psychics!

"A piece of yarn for the psychic Hitomi!" Van declared to them, pointing a hell-bound finger to the sky while producing a gold-spray painted piece of yarn with the other. The psychics turned away, insulted.

"Fine then. I'll add a piece of lint!!" Van cried, reaching into his pocket and tugging, pulling free a lint ball from his stylish khakis.

The psychics' eyes widened in sudden longing. They strained against the pull of temptation.

"Take them away!"

Continuing his search, Van then had his guards force a Volkswagon off the road, holding at least thirty-five point two psychics!!!

"All right everyone, TWO pieces of yarn and a ball of lint!" Van shouted, producing his 'treasures' out of thin air.

"I give! I want them! I'll tell!" screamed a random Ispano in the crowd.

Van smiled and slid the goods into the traitor's hands as the Ispano leaned forward.

"She's in the Court of Psychics!"

"Feh! How creative!" Van chuckled, rolling his eyes.

"I know!"

"We must find this Court at all costs!" Van spun around to face the non-existent crowd that you, the viewers, can't see.

"But how? We don't know where it is!" Allen inquired, as a dunce hat appeared on his head. 

"For Kami-sama's sake will you guy's knock it off!"

Fuck off, it's our fic. So Van smiled ever so dashingly, a glint of evil in his warm chocolate eyes…

"Sir, why do you have chocolate in your eyes?" Gaddes grinned smugly.

"Why are you here! Go back to the palace!!"

Gaddes whimpered and trudged off, his arms dragging on the ground as a little rain cloud appeared above his head.

"As for getting back to the original story," Van snapped, glaring at the authors.

What?

"I have the perfect, cue music, secret weapon!"

(Esca-flow-ne!)

"For finding the Court of Psychics (feh. How creative)."

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The scene changes to the outskirts of Austuria, a millers house sat in decrepit conditions, one might say 'kindling.' The camera zooms into the current situation.

"Where are the psychics? I found tarot cards in your yard!" snapped Judge Van, glaring at the family. The Duke and Marlene looked horror stricken as they clung to their kids.

"We only let people with money in, trust us! Do you think psychics have that!?" barked the Duke, obviously annoyed with Judge Van for badgering his family.

Meanwhile, an 'old begger man' hunkered in from the crowd that had gathered, because the people had sick pleasure in watching others burn to crispies. 

"Sure, like I believe you. I am going to proceed to put you under house arrest," started Van reaching into his pocket. The Duke smiled at the thought of being locked up with his wife. Van read from the paper, "'If you are innocent you have nothing to fear.' Ha!" 

Van laughed as he tossed a match onto the gasoline the guards poured on as the other guards pushed the Duke back into the house, locking them inside.

"Um.. Sir, this is outside the bounds of chivalry!" exclaimed Allen watching as the house leapt into flames.

"'Outside chivalry, meimeimieimie, my name's _precious_, I'm a friggin' moose,'" mocked Van in falsetto.

"Well, despite your orders, I'm going to be heroic and go stupidly in to save them." Allen declared, removing his poofy-sleeved jacket.

Van's eye's turned blood-red. "You're not the only one who can be stupid you know!" he shouted, then leapt into the house. 

"Hey!" Allen cried, denied his heroic scene.

Van came crashing out of the house he had set aflame, carrying the Duke and Marlene on his back. "Are you okay?" Van asked, concern etched across his tan features.

"Thanks to you!" gushed Marlene, kissing him on the cheek, conviently forgetting the whole house-aflame thing. The Duke just glared, coughing slightly.

"Wait a minute!" Allen shouted, pushing the couple aside. "You're supposed to be evil! _I'm_ the hero!"

"Shut up Schezar, I never needed you, I could do all this with my pinky! You're only in this fic because the authors _felt sorry_ for you!"

Allen's lower lip trembled as he began to pout, turning to the authors. "Is that true, guys!?"

Um……course not……Anyway! Van suddenly whirled upon our sobbing 'hero', his eyes now aflame.

"You disobeyed me!"

"What!?" Allen squeaked, hiccupping slightly.

"Well, you were about to. The penalty for insubordination is **DEATH**!" Van cried, pushing Allen onto the ground. A random guard raised his Balgus-styled sword high, ready to decapitate our brave moron. 

"Guys!" Shrieked Allen to the authors…

Oh. Sorry Al, duty calls. Suddenly a flaming arrow came sizzling through the air, striking down the guard in the chest. Van could have sworn he thought he heard Dilandau's voice in the distance.

"Damn! Missed!"

"Phew!" Allen gasped. Leaping back into character, he jumped to his feet and grabbed hold of Van's horse and rode off.

"Stop him! He'll molest my horse!" Van shouted. Arrows soared through the air, puncturing Allen like a pincushion. With a final, girly scream, he fell from the horse and plummeted off the bridge into the sewage water.

"Is my horse okay!?" 

The old begger man, who was really Hitomi, tossed her enchanted rose to the ground and cautiously made her way down to the water. She looked through the grime, hoping to see Allen.

"Eeew…" she said as she watched a dead rat's body float by. Finding a reaching pole, she fished Allen's body out of the water. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The camera attempts to film the burning city, however, the camera crew had to make a run for it as the camera caught on fire.

Judge Dread Van de Fanel stepped out of his carriage to survey his domain. Flames as far as the eye could see, in a ring around the cathedral. Prostitutes were running, babies were crying, men were following the prostitutes, and little girls played hopscotch on the bones of their mothers!

'I shouldn't have left Dilandau unsupervised for so long,' Van thought flatly, 'where the heck is Father Dryden?'

We see a flaming fireball Dryden run behind Van, screaming. Van is unaware, and focuses his mind on _important_ matters.

"I had guards posted at that one door, there was no way Hitomi could've figured out the back door…" Van muttered, reverting to thinking-out-loud mode, "Unless…!" he gasped, looking up in time to see a flaming arrow shot from the tower above.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Good shot Dilandau-sama! You got that orphan right in the head!" laughed Miguel surveying the burning town. Dilandau simply grinned and shot another flaming arrow into a cripple. 

"Oh Dilandau-sama…" said Chesta dreamily resting his head in his hands, off in his own world. Miguel moved three steps away. 

"What about that girl Dilandau-sama? You're worried about her, aren't you?" asked Miguel, looking at his master.

"Huh?" snapped Dilandau, taking his attention away from killing a little lost kitten.

"Nooo!!!" wailed Chesta, obviously jealous burying his face in his arms and weeping. 

The two stared at him blankly, Dilandau in confusion, Miguel with a weak stomach. 

"Austuria the place of great trade rates…" started Miguel, breaking slowly into the song you all knew was coming. 

Is currently burning this evening 

_True, its because of a CERTAIN PYRO…._

"But he looks great doing it!" chimed Chesta clapping his hands together. The two looked at him blankly once more.

A guy like you! 

_She's never known, pyro_

_A guy like you_

_A girl fortunately doesn't meet that often_

_You've got a look_

_Of a psycho albino_

_Could there be two?_

"Oh gods, let's hope!" squealed Chesta draping himself over the rail. 

"Shut up!" …snapped……rocky?

Those real guys 

_That she could wrangle_

_All look the same_

_With every passing of a day!_

_You're a Terror_

_With every gender_

_Unmei Kaihen_

_A hermaphrodite like you!_

They then appear in the next room where Miguel in a suite is sitting at a black grand piano. Chesta lies upon the top in a dark blue sequin dress and pinky feathery boa, shifting about seductively as Miguel played rather nervously.

"Call me a hopeless romantic, but Dilandau, I_ feel_ it!" he cried, reaching back and grabbing Dilandau by the shirt.

It finally hit what was wrong with his dragonslayer.

SMACK!

Miguel continued shakily. "She wants you so any moment, she'll walk through that dooooooooooooor!!"

All four turned and gazed at the door expectantly. 

Two hours later…

BangBangBang! The door flew open and Hitomi appeared.

"You lied!" Dilandau shrieked, slapping Miguel upside the head. 

"Dilandau, I need your help!" cried Hitomi.

TO BE CONTINUED BUT THAT'S OBVIOUS SINCE WE ARE FOLLOWING THE MOVIE.__


	7. Sinister Plot

"Dilandau, I need your help!" exclaimed Hitomi running into the room breathless. 

"The Mystic Bitch! I thought I got rid of you!" growled Dilandau glaring at her with bloodshot eyes. The Dragonslayers simply watched, not needed for this moment.

"I didn't know who to turn to! I had to see you again!"

Dilandau started to make gagging sounds while Hitomi looked at him confused, hope shining in her eyes. Stopping with his vulgar sounds Dilandau looked Hitomi up and down, checking her out if you will.

'What is this feeling I have inside? Could it be..?' pondered Dilandau staring at her boobs.

Grumble grumble.

"That's it, I'm hungry." And he turned and walked away. Hitomi started to protest but the Dragonslayers shook their heads in warning, their eyes wide in fear; never argue with Dilandau if you wanted to live.

"Erm… you people, I need you help!" Hitomi shouted turning dramatic again clinging to Miguel for support. Miguel looked over at Chesta raising his eyebrows, obviously naughty thoughts running through his head. Chesta snorted in distain.

"What can we help you with then?" the gargoyle Miguel asked, his hand rubbing Hitomi's back seductively. Breaking away Hitomi quickly ran out the door.

The Dragonslayers shrugged and started to walk away when they heard a sound of something heavy being dragged and Hitomi using colorful adjectives. Coming back through the entryway Hitomi dragged a dead looking knight by his arms.

"My friend has been hurt!" cried Hitomi, dropping Allen's arms and running back to Miguel's outstretched arms. Chesta looked down and the sound of a choir of angels filled the air at the sight of the magnificient blonde creature before him. A rose border filled his vision.

"Oh no!!" squealed Chesta dropping down to his knees and unbuttoning Allen's shirt. Groaning Allen slowly opened his eyes.

"Hitomi?"

With a scream the knight was once more on his feet and diving for the door. However, he quickly remembered that he had been 'Allen the Human-pincushion' and fell over once more.

"We must sew him up!" Chesta exclaimed prompting Miguel to help him carry the downed knight into their master's room. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dilandau sat on the roof staring into oblivion in mid-converstation with his beloved rocky.

"So then I said to the bartender, 'no, I want more', but then the jerk kicked me out of the bar so I had to burn the place down."

"…."

"That's right, he deserved it!"

"…"

"Perhaps you are right rocky, although he did deserve it I shouldn't have killed his whole family and set the street on fire, I am sorry, will you forgive me?"

"…."

"Alright, I'm begging!" Dilandau whimpered dropping to his knees.

"…."

"Thank you rocky!" scooping up the rock and kissing it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Dragonslayers watched as Hitomi tended to the downed knight who was currently just kinda laying there.

"That was a very brave thing you did back there," praised Hitomi digging into her medical bag that appeared suddenly.

"Did what?"

"A very good thing," Hitomi smiled patting Allen's hand as if speaking to a child. Groaning, Allen let his head fall back to realize there was no pillow.

BONK.

Gently Hitomi uncorked the bottle of liquid without looking at the bottle with a skull on it.

"Erm… Hitomi? What is that?" squeaked Allen, his eyes growing wider with fear.

"I don't know," shrugged Hitomi pouring it onto his wounds.

"AHHHH!!!!!!" screamed Allen as a sizzling sound filled the air, the area clouded in smoke. Chesta wailed on Miguel's shoulder. Hitomi then proceeded to sew up Allen's wounds with rainbow colored yarn.

"Thank you for saving me," blushed Allen once Hitomi was finished, leaning forward with his lips puckered, shutting his eyes. Hitomi got up and walked away, obvious to what Allen was doing, leaving Allen there, also oblivious. Chesta took the chance and dove in planting a passionate kiss on the knight's lips.

From the other room Hitomi could hear Allen screaming and a thud signifying Allen had passed out once more.

"Erm… so… yeah…" they stood around, not knowing what to do next. Suddenly, Merle's ears perked up as she ran out to the balcony.

"LORD VAN!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed, waving her arms about dramatically to gain attention. "WE'RE UP HERE!!!!!!!!" Being so stoned she leaned too far over and fell from the cathedral.

But don't worry kids, all cats land on their feet…

CRUNCH.

It just hurts like hell!

"Oh no! Van's coming! We've got to hide Allen!" Chesta cried dramatically, dragging the knight as carefully as a lone gay Bishounen could. 

"Here!" shouted Miguel, pointing under the table. Chesta gently laid him there and turned, looking for Hitomi and not noticing Miguel boot Allen under the table unceremoniously. 

"That bitch got away!" Chesta muttered, seeing Hitomi had escaped.

"Don't call my Love a bitch!" Miguel, who had never met another female in his life thus believing himself in love, growled warningly. The two proceeded to duke it out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Van marched up the stairs furiously, strutting his scrawny stuff. He had figured it all out with his genius mind. Hitomi had received help out of the tower, I mean, how _else_ could she have found the other exit? He thought to himself.

"La lala lalalala…teeheeheehee…" Hitomi sang, skipping down the stairs swinging her arms about gaily. "Hi Van!" she chimed as she skipped past him.

"Hi Hitomi," he replied, waving absently.

"Lalaala!" she continued down the stairs.

PING

"Hitomi!" Van cried, whirling about and dashing down the stairs. But the lovely seer had vanished in the non-existent wind. 

"Damn…" he muttered, and continued up the stairs again anyway. 

Walking into the room he was met with the gargoyles that looked at him blankly and started grinning nervously, sweat beading on their foreheads. Van ignored them and sat down at the table calling for Dilandau, they were only gargoyles, it's not like they were real. 

"You. I thought I told you not to come back," growled Dilandau as he appeared in the room carrying rocky. 

"Life's not fair, is it?" replied Van taking out a bundle that used to be grapes but were now raisins. "I brought you a treat. I forgot to bring it a week ago."

"Yum."

"Is there something troubling you my boy?" questioned Van giving Dilandau a probing stare.

"No." the albino replied with sincerity looking at the raisins, shrugging, then eating them. 

"Oh but there is, I can see it on your face," Dread Judge Fanel said nonchalantly while looking around the room for anything suspicious. A groan wafted from under the table.

"Cheek, cheek, cheek," muttered Dilandau absently as he stroked his scar having been reminded of his beautiful face once more. A raisin escaped his clutches and fell to floor rolling under the table. Dilandau reached for it and looked up and saw Allen lying unconscious below the table.

"THERE IS A MAN UNDER HERE!!!!!" he shrieked jumping away.

"Don't change the subject!" yelled Van rising to his feet, his face turning red with anger. "I know you helped Hitomi escape!"

"Escape? I needed to get rid of that bitch, she was annoying."

"And all of Asturia is burning _because of you_!" declared Van dramatically sitting back down.

"Really?" Dilandau genuinely smiled, proud. "That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me!"

The two commenced to glare at each other then decided to change topic. Another groan, louder this time, made its way out from under the table. 

"So, what did you do, show her the back or side door?" glared Van, tightening his hand into fists.

"Neither. I pushed her off."

"Ugggh," came the voice from beneath the table picking up in intensity. 

"You what!? How could you do that to her?!"

"Quite easily, she is annoying." 

"UGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!"

"She could have been hurt!"

"Would you rather I kill her?"

"**UGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH**!!!"

"**_WILL YOU SHUT UP_**!!!" screamed Van, kicking the knight square in the jaw. "This figure is new."

Van gingerly picked up the snapped in two Hitomi figure and looked at its rough features. Its face twisted in eternal pain and agony, his beloved Hitomi looked up at him blankly, her beautiful body having been snapped in two. 

"I'm taking this," he said pocketing it. "Hitomi will only love me! You showed her the exit!!!" With that Van went into a tantrum smashing items around with his chair. "Think of your mother!"

The image of Zongi popped into Dilandau's head. "Ewww."

"Exactly! But what chance would you have with her!" sighed Van calming down once more and smoothing his hair back (although it's always a mess, it makes no difference). 

"Boo hoo."

"Well never you mind Dilandau, she'll be out of your life soon enough, back with me."

"Hurrah."

"Because I know where her hideout is, and tomorrow at dawn, six o'clock sharp, no later, no sooner, I will attack with Guards J through P, and capture all the psychics," he said dramatically, overly winking at Dilandau who stared blankly back. With a flourish of his robes and a few more winks Van vanished down the stairs with a smirk on his face. 

With a flourish Allen appeared from under the table, and hit his head. It took him a second to recover, but then he rose to his feet dramatically, despite the fact he had been terribly wounded to the point of incapacitation, but that's not important anymore. 

"We have to get to the Court of Psychics! If Van gets there first…!"

"Are you _that_ dumb? It's _obviously_ a trap." Dilandau sighed, rolling his eyes at the knight's stupidity.

"I am a Knight Caeli, trained in military strategy, you poor simple-minded bell ringer. I know a plot when I see one."

"Well you skipped this fic entirely," the albino muttered to himself, before stating, "He's probably going to let us lead him right there."

"No, I think there's something more sinister afoot," Allen pondered, scratching his chin in thought. "Come Dilandau," he cried, heroism shining in his blue eyes, "we must go warn the psychics!"

"Have fun. Hope you die."

"Aren't you coming?"

"No."

"I thought you were Hitomi's friend…!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!" Dilandau fell to the floor, convulsing with laughter.

"Well then…" Allen began, his plan backfired, "I guess…I'll be seeing you then…toodles…" the knight waved, walking out the door, once more perfectly healed.

Rising to his feet, wiping the tears of laugher from his eyes, Dilandau saw his Dragonslayers staring at him, tapping their foots on the wood floor impatiently.

"Yeeeesssss?" Dilandau hissed, narrowing his eyes.

"……"

"What's that rocky?"

"………"

"What? What am I supposed to do, go out and rescue the girl from the jaws of Love and the whole town will cheer like I'm some kind of a hero?!"

"Well, yeah." Miguel replied simply.

"Oh… Don't make me laugh! Ha! Haha ha!" Dilandau scoffed, turning from them. He stared at the remains of his Apocalypse, thinking back to when he had thrown Hitomi off the roof, how satisfying it had felt……

"……………"

"What? Burn the Court of Psychics? Dash all hopes? You're right rocky! I must go!" With that, the albino dashed out the door, the faint sound of maniacal laughter following after.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Author's Notes: … we love Hitomi, honestly we do. But _common!_ She's so blind to Van's affection! We just took that to the next level…s. Huuu doggy, only about three more chapters (or so) left of this fic! We are *hoping* that it will be finished during Winter Break, oh yeah baby. 

Next time: Searching for the 'Court of Psychics', and the return of Folken with another musical number!! 


End file.
